So I haven’t been blogging here, but suddenly feel like it now. Some of my forum posts ended up a little like a blog because there were not many replies – happens. The posts were not meant to be all personal, which is why I chose the forum, but this here is. The fact that it’s public is still a good thing. So somebody might have good comments on it.
First let me make clear that I don’t feel desperate, not at all. I feel pretty good. But there’s something like doubt now, but it doesn’t feel bad. Doubt is pretty close to perception of possibilities as opposed to perception of facts. Possibilities are there, but are they real? I guess you know what I hint at.
A little over a year ago I met some youngsters in subcultural activities and that’s really interesting when you’ve been hanging in such things for longer and in some ways maybe didn’t grow up. It seemed a surprise to one of them when I could state my personal goals so clearly. And at his age, I wouldn’t have been capable of that, I know. I said, I basically want enjoyment and self-realization. These are my personal values. I am not sure if they will be changed or something could be added to that, but it’s possible.
Now recently I saw results and some more results, some from very old spells, some from just casual wishes coming in. So that’s definitely a success in self-realization. When is was still magically working on things I remembered that I once seemed to have a talent for all kinds of consumer and media goodies falling from the sky into my situation. And now I have got about everything in that regard, like in a song of the German punk band Die Ärzte called “er Infant”(“The Infant”. There are also possibilities for self-realization in the form of creativity in my life.
I am learning a profession, too, and get super good grades, which gives me hope of being able to secure my future, which I wasn’t so sure of. I remember my student days at university and how I was always inspired by what I learned and how there were always new chances to meet cool people. I am planning on working part time anyway when I finished my course. Now I wonder, why not go to university just as an auditor again? I am not so much after an academic title, but just having some of this uni life again would be cool. Another option is studying film one time in the future. But that costs more money than I currently have. When I get a job in what I learn I should be able to afford it however.
What I basically manifested are possibilities to do what I wanted to do. But now I can’t get my days and evenings properly structured. It’s so hard to do all which I want to do. My psychiatrist promised me I am going to get better at doing everything still with the further remission of my illness, even now when I have been in treatment for years. But by now I wonder can I ever make this fullness of possibilities real? It’s great how I opened all the possibilities. To me these are results of what I magically did mostly during last year. But it’s so grossly much coming in that I think just now I should once sit still and do nothing with a cup of the most simple tea. In what I wished for I had forgotten that such simple moments can also be happy moments, not so much when you don’t see another choice than this simplicity, but if you have anything else, it can be a definitely absurd form of happiness.